I sighed as I put my phone back into its cradle. My mother had just finished telling me my father had been frozen, as in encased in a block of ice. I told her, hiding the reluctance in my voice, that I would take care of it. Unfortunately for me, that would mean I would have to deal with…her. It was something I had been dreading since the words of encouragement had come out of my mouth.
We all have bad ex-lover stories, don’t we? The crazy cat-lovers, the uptight religious-types…the list could go on and on. Well, I think I’ve topped the list with my worst ex-girlfriend: a superheroine with the power to do practically anything. Think of Superman, except with breasts and a bitter attitude about heartbreak.
She claimed I had broken her heart, but how could I? It was freakin’ impenetrable, that was one of her powers. Ever since our bitter break-up, she had been striking back at me: two weeks ago, she melted my cat with heat vision. Last week, she lifted my car from the ground and flew it to Tokyo (leaving me with a hell of a lot of unpaid parking tickets). Now, she had frozen my father with her freezing breath. What could possibly be next?
I grabbed my car keys, found a sweatshirt to cover my Batman t-shirt (also a former boyfriend, she claimed he was too moody) and set out to confront my former girlfriend. Driving my parent’s minivan, which I knew would not get me any phone numbers from cute girls; I drove north of the city, where I knew her headquarters were. At its highest point, it went above the clouds, something I saw immediately as I turned on to the narrow road that would lead me to it. It was made up completely of crystal, and in the setting sun, it was beautiful.
Suddenly, a large piece of crystal came flying at my car, and I narrowly dodged it with a yell of surprise. Another followed, and after it was thrown, I could see my ex, hovering 100 feet above the ground, chucking them at me. I realized she had seen me coming with her heightened vision, and prepared an attack. I stopped my Volvo with a screech, and hopped out of the car, waving my arms towards the sky.
“Sara! Please! Stop, I just want to talk!” I screamed to the sky desperately. I saw her slowly begin to drift towards the ground. However, she still launched a final piece of crystal at my car, crushing it with a pitiful crunch.
Head in my hands, I heard her land on the ground with a powerful thump. The landing sent me flying to the ground. She began walking towards me, boots drumming on the concrete.
“What do you want, Mark?” she said, her eyes turning red with the approaching heat vision.
“Sara, please, calm down. I’ve come to ask you to unfreeze my father. This silly revenge against me has to stop. We broke up, like, a month ago.”
“You left me, Mark! I came home after a ferocious battle with Mister Fist to find all of your stuff gone, your comic book collection missing and a note on the table with a quick “You were super!” scrawled on it. That wasn’t even funny.”
“I never meant to hurt you, Sara.” I said, suddenly noticing that she had lifted me up into the sky and had one muscled hand clenching the collar of my shirt.
“Well, you are almost as good at doing that as the Hulk. You know he wasn’t the most gentle of lovers.”
“I know. Listen, Sara…maybe we could try it again. I miss you, and I know you miss not spending your nights terrorizing me, you’d rather be saving the world.”
Her face lit up. She was so beautiful when she wasn’t throwing chunks of crystal at me.
“Really?” she asked hopefully. “You won’t leave this time?”
Noticing us gently falling to the ground, I nodded. “Cross my heart.”
We got to the ground, and we embraced. I lost my breath for a moment because of the super strength, but regained it once it was done.
“Let’s go unfreeze my dad, okay?” I asked hopefully.
“Sure.” she said with a grin. Suddenly, she frowned. “I have something I’ve been meaning to tell you, Mark.”
“What is it, baby?”
I said the first thing that came to my mouth, which wasn’t what came to my mind: “That’s super!”
“Actually, he is.”
Flying off into the sunset with my girlfriend, all I could do was curse myself with those famous words: Without a condom comes great responsibility.